On Valentine’s Day

Two Way Hump Day

Valentine’s Day is not for another week or so, but it’s the first Wednesday of the month and that means I do an advice segment of “Two Way Hump Day.” I wanted to aim my bit of advice towards people who are single on Valentine’s Day.

I’ve never been one to be cynical about Valentine’s Day – that is, if you don’t count thinking it’s all a load of crap to sell flowers and heart-shaped, red shit. But, I don’t get particularly lonely or stressed on the day. You know why? Because if I’m single on Valentine’s Day, I was probably single the day before it and will be the day after, so who gives a damn if it’s February 14th.

Still, people start to feel a little resentment growing as they eye those chocolates and the heart-shaped red shit of which I spoke earlier. So, for those people, here is my advice:

  1. Buy a box of chocolates for yourself. You know it’s not the romantic companion you desire; it’s the chocolate. Go ahead, I won’t judge.
  2. Resist the urge to scowl at and/or act harshly towards the people around you who are in relationships. Be happy for them. It’s their day; the other 364 days are for single people, you selfish asshole.

    Be nice.

    Be nice.

  3. Cry if you need to, just not around other people. It’s embarrassing for you and no one else cares if you’re sad on Valentine’s Day.
  4. Give out those little children’s Valentines to everyone you know. Reflect on a time where being single wasn’t a reminder of the gradual decline of your eggs and womanhood (or, for men, that you’ll be alone forever because no one likes saggy balls).
  5. Refrain from listening to love songs, but if you just must give into that urge, refer back to number three.
  6. Hang out with other single friends, sing Beyoncé, and fool yourself into thinking you’re single by choice.
  7. Remember that, with patience and the right attitude, you’ll find love in due time. Maybe next Valentine’s Day you’ll be ridiculing the lone soul crying in his or her cubicle while eating a heart-shaped box of chocolate.


photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/mugley/2263972123/”>mugley</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;


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