On Deleting Facebook Friends


Did you know that when you delete a person off your Facebook Friends List that person ceases to exist in any other capacity? When your friend’s annoying statuses stop appearing on your newsfeed, this means that that person is not only not posting said statuses any longer, but is also not continuing to live his or her life at all.

Your Facebook Friends List serves as a manifest of the population of the universe. So, if a person has brought harm onto you or your family, or has posted one too many pictures of their ugly newborn, you can will them out of being simply by clicking the de-friend button.

Furthermore, when you choose to “hide posts” from certain friends, you are revoking their ability to communicate in any humanly form. However, you are sparing their lives.

I suggest doing a mass purging of your friends list. Definitely declare it in a Facebook status for all to see. Say something in the vein of “Gonna delete some losers,” or “Getting rid of the negativity on my newsfeed,” or even “My life is going to be so much better after my Friends List has 784 people instead of 802.” Forewarning your Facebook audience will torment them for the extent of the time it takes you to go through your list and click your button a few times. They will be in a state of trepidation, worrying whether or not they are “losers” or whether or not they will live to see another day.

Doing this will make the world a better place, because you will be able to single-handedly deliberate who is worthy both of being your friend and of existing in this world. You are the ultimate judge of who is a loser and who deserves to be alive. Go out and exterminate some Facebook Friends.


5 thoughts on “On Deleting Facebook Friends

  1. Pingback: Top Ten Posts of 2013 | Oshitbritt on Things

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