I promised a post on finding a balance when I talked about leaving New York City, so here it is.
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I have gone through periods in my life of being very unhappy and periods where things are almost too good. The thing with me is I over analyze both of these, trying to make my happiness permanent. I know this is ultimately futile, because emotions, and that includes happiness, cannot be analyzed. This frustrates me to no end, being a highly analytical person.
What I have discovered, however, is that there are two things that are integral to my happiness: deep thinking and human connection. It is all about striking a balance between these two things. Much to my dismay, they often conflict with each other. It seems when I think too deeply and expect others to appreciate my bizarre insights they are turned off by it. I have found a few close friends who appreciate me for my intelligence, but these people are rare.
This has caused me to go into those periods of great unhappiness I was talking about. If people don’t like me for me, how will I ever have friends? This is what I thought. But, then I realized I could turn it around and instead of expecting others to appreciate me, I could begin to appreciate others. Every single person is different. Most people don’t think in the same manner I do, and so may not appreciate the way I think, but I can still befriend them on other fronts. This way of viewing people opened me to merely living, and not analyzing so much. It allowed me to forge more bonds with people.
This still left me feeling unsatisfied in the deep thinking arena. If I could not apply my analyzing that I love to do and that brings me so much happiness to my day-to-day life, what could I do with it? This is exactly why I write. I need to exercise my mind. I need to think about things other people don’t think about. But, I need to do these things in a productive manner or I will cause myself heartbreak.
I’ve begun to strike this balance in my life. I have my friends and my boyfriend and I try not to impose my over-analysis on them. But, then I also write for a good portion of my day. That gets all my thinking out so that when I’m with other people, I’m ready to just be. I also allow myself breaks from my writing to be with other people. I do this because I know if I just wrote without ever interacting, I’d actually go insane in the vein of “The Shining.”